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ANGER
IN KIDS
6. GOOD PARENTING SOMETIMES
DOESN'T WORK
Help your child understand and master
those furious feelings
WHEN ANGER BECOMES AGGRESSION
Of course, there will
be times when anger turns into a physical melee. Use this as an opportunity to
help your child master these aggressive feelings. Here’s what you can do:
WHEN ANGER IS A CRY FOR HELP
A child may seem irritable most of the time, easily set off and ready to
start a fight. If this type of behavior is brief, it may be a response to a
major change in the family, such as a new baby or a move. Or it may be the
first sign of a “touchpoint,” a time when a child
slips back into old, outgrown behaviors just as she’s about to blossom in new
ways. When this behavior persists and interferes with relationships with family
or friends, it is time to consider more serious possible causes: ongoing
threats to a child’s safety, deeper tensions in the family, a developmental
delay in language that leads to frustration, or a delay in social skills that
brings on fighting or depression. If you’re concerned about your child’s anger,
ask your pediatrician for help.
ANGER CONFUSES CORRECTION
A good correction routine teaches children that
they must change. Their current course of action will not work. It's
unacceptable and needs adjusting. Unfortunately the clear message that the
child has a problem and needs to work on it is sometimes missed because of
parental anger. A parent's harshness can confuse the learning process. Instead
of thinking, "I'm here taking a Break because I did something wrong,"
the child thinks, "I'm here taking a Break because I made Mom mad."
The child's focus changes from correcting what he
or she did wrong to avoiding parental anger. It's important to remember that
your anger is good for identifying problems but not good for solving them. When
you're tempted to respond harshly, be careful to take a moment and think about
what you need to teach in the situation. It's easy to react with anger when
your kids do the wrong thing but it's more helpful to move into a constructive
correction routine.
For example, Dad yells, "I've had it! I called
you five times and you didn't come, so I'm not taking you to the party!"
The child gets a mixed message. Is missing the party the consequence for not
coming when called, or is it the consequence for making Dad angry?
Children who grow up with explosive parents learn
to focus more on pleasing people than on living with convictions about right
and wrong. They may learn to make changes in life, but not because they're
determined to do what's right. Rather, they make changes to avoid upsetting
people; they become people pleasers or just plain sneaky. Kids then believe
that what they did was okay as long as Mom or Dad didn't find out. As long as
no one gets angry, then there's no problem.
When you make a mistake and correct in anger, it's
important to come back to your child and talk about it afterwards. Clarify what
was wrong, why the consequence was given, and apologize for your harshness.
THE
SOLUTION ISN'T BIG PUNISHMENTS
Some
problems that children face are more difficult than others. The child who is
annoying, who habitually teases, or who is explosively angry are just a few
examples. Out of frustration, some parents think that the child needs bigger
and bigger consequences. They believe that the bigger the consequence, the
faster the change.
Remember
that the goal is a changed heart, not just punishment for doing wrong. A larger
consequence may be needed to get the child's attention but the real work takes
place by helping children adjust the way they think and the patterns of
behavior that have developed over time. Often many small corrections are more
effective than one large consequence.
Mature
people will feel an internal pain when they discover that they’ve made a
mistake or done the wrong thing. This is normal and healthy. Your child may not
experience that same inner sense yet. Consequences create a kind of pain for
children. This pain can motivate right behavior and get them moving in the
right direction.
One
example of this is the parent who decided to take away the privilege of riding
a bike from her nine-year-old son. She said, "Son, I'm not just taking the
bike away for a day. I'm taking the bike away until I see some progress in the
way you're treating me when I call you in for dinner. We'll see how you do for
two days and if I see a good response then you can play with your bike
again." Mom turned the discipline around so that the child had to earn
back the privilege. She wanted to see several positive change points before she
allowed her son to ride his bike again.
Kids
often need a multi-faceted approach to help them change. Teaching about
sensitivity, self-control, respect or another quality will also go a long way
to help children change their minds and thus free them to change their hearts
as well.
GOOD PARENTING SOMETIMES DOESN'T WORK
As a parent, you've probably discovered that even
when you do right things with your kids, at times problems develop and you have
to make adjustments. As you examine your current routine, you may discover that
in an attempt to do something helpful such as talk things through, you've
actually encouraged something unhelpful such as arguing. You may find that
you're not actually doing something wrong but the pattern that's developed has
become unhealthy.
After thinking about what happens when her son
badgers, one mom told us, "All I do is respond to his questions. There's
nothing wrong with that. In fact, I thought it was good to talk with your
kids.… It's just that he won't quit." It's true that talking with kids is
helpful most of the time, but when parents indulge a badgering child, they
become part of the problem.
After you identify negative patterns in your
relationship, you don't have to feel guilty that you've been doing it all wrong
for years. The fact is that you've probably been doing a lot of things right.
You just need a change because it's time to emphasize something different. We
find that many parents feel like failures when problems come because they've
been doing what they think is right but it isn't working. The fact is that one
particular right thing may not be the best thing for your family at this time.
The sooner you can see problems and make adjustments the better.
Parents must make changes regularly. It's part of
the job. Flexibility is important. In fact one mom said if Jesus would have
written beatitudes for parents he would have said, "Blessed are the
flexible" and "Blessed are those who know when to take a stand for
righteousness and when to just love 'em." Pray a
lot and ask the Lord for wisdom. In the end you'll be surprised at the progress
your children make.
WHAT
TO DO WHEN KIDS ARE ANNOYING
Dealing
with annoying behavior is not like disciplining for defiance or teaching a
child to follow instructions. When it comes to impulsivity, the child can't
always make changes just by choosing something different. In many cases, kids
don't realize that they're being annoying and they don't know what to do to be
more appropriate. Furthermore, these patterns often come from habits that have
been practiced for a long time. These reasons are not excuses for inappropriate
behavior but they're a further indication that the job will take concentrated
effort from the child and the parents.
Part of
the issue is immaturity; the child hasn't learned how to pick up on the social
cues or restrain behavior as much as we'd like. But these children need more
than just time to grow up. They need concentrated work to develop two character
qualities: self-control and sensitivity. These qualities not only help children
when they're young, but they become tools for success as children get older.
Here are some working definitions for sensitivity and
self-control to get you started with your children in this area:
Self-control is the ability to control myself so that Mom and
Dad don't have to.
Self-control means to think before I act.
Self-control is the ability to talk about problems instead of
grabbing, pushing, or hitting.
Self-control means that I limit the noises I make when others
are around.
Self-control means that I focus on one thing until it gets
done, before I move to the next.
Sensitivity means that when I walk into a room I look and
listen before I speak.
Sensitivity is thinking about how my actions are affecting
other people.
Sensitivity means thinking about how I could help someone
else.
Teaching Control:
It is never too soon to teach your child how to control her anger so that it
doesn’t control her. Remember, however, that it is difficult for young children
to master these strategies. Your child will need your help—and a lot of
practice:
Are you concerned about the extent of your
children's anger in response the the changes your
family has been going through? It's important to recognize that the intensity
of kids' anger is just as strong as adults'--if not more so--and they need to
be given specific instruction regarding effective and acceptable methods of
coping with these intense emotions. Parents should aim for introducing a mix of
both physical and emotional opportunities for release, such as:
Even for kids, writing in a journal is a great
way to express and process one's feelings. In fact, you may want to introduce
the concept of journaling by getting one for yourself, and letting your kids
see you taking some time each day to write out your thoughts and feelings.
If you're bothered by the thought of what your
child might write, consider pairing up for a dual-author journal. Pick up a
blank spiral notebook and take turns writing entries/notes back and forth to
each other. Especially for kids who worry about hurting a parent's feelings,
addressing their "big ticket" questions and concerns in this manner
breaks the ice and makes it easier to eventually become comfortable sharing
them face to face.
Journal writing is an excellent way to sort
through difficult emotions and gain a sense of clarity about the tough
decisions you have to make every day. Here you'll find explanations of several
different types of journals. Pick one you like, and get started today. After
just a few short weeks of recording your thoughts, you'll be amazed at your
progress and the sense of freedom writing can bring!
1.
A Gratitude Journal
This is a simple
journal that is fairly easy to keep up with. The idea is to write down five
things each day that you are thankful for. As best you can, try not to repeat
the previous day's gratitude! This exercise will help you identify little
things that you appreciate in your life. Before long, you'll realize that there
are many things about yourself, your kids, and your life that you value.
2.
A Parenting Journal
This is a
journal where you can record your observations about parenthood and identify
the personal strengths you see in yourself and each of your children. You'll
find that as you pay attention to all the good that bring to your family,
you'll realize more of your own personal strengths and gain a more clear sense
of your immense value as a parent.
3.
A Hopes and Dreams Journal
This is where
you can record your most personal hopes and dreams. There's something sacred
about what you really want for your life and your children. However, most of us
don't go around sharing those most personal inner thoughts with others. This
journal is an opportunity to write down those aspirations in a safe place and
make note of what you observe as those dreams unfold in your life.
4.
A Guided Journal4
This is when someone else gives you topics to
write about each day. Questions are geared to help you identify personal
strengths, name positive qualities, and find sources of hope and vitality in
your life. Examples of just a few guided journal topics include healing after a
divorce, recovering from trauma, and building self-esteem.
Letter Writing
Drafting letters--with the intention of
mailing them or not--is another effective tool for helping kids process their
feelings. It's a strategy that can be especially helpful for kids who have
little or no contact with the recipient. Putting their true thoughts down on
paper in this manner gives them a tangible way of dealing with their emotions,
so that they don't get bottled up and ignored, only to resurface later.
Keep in mind, too, that even young children
can create photo journals and letters, or they can say their thoughts out loud
and have an adult write them down.
Support Groups
If your children are angry over a divorce or
loss, consider seeking out a kids' support group through a local community
mental health organization. Many organizations offer a combination of programs
for adults and kids, so that parents can help their children through the grief process and develop healthy strategies
for moving forward.
Regular Exercise
Make sure that your children are also getting
plenty of exercise. If this is a struggle, consider walking or jogging together
several times a week. This will give you a chance to bond while also allowing
each of you the opportunity to sort through your emotions while engaging in a
physical activity--which can also help you sleep better at night, equip you for
handling stress more effectively, and give you more energy for getting through
the day.
Blowing Off Steam
Finally, teach
your children some specific and acceptable strategies for blowing of steam,
such as: yelling into a pillow, sprinting up the street or around your house,
using a punching bag, or systematically tensing and releasing his or her
muscles--starting with the toes and moving all the way up to the forehead.
These strategies may seem simplistic, but it's important not to take for granted
that your kids' anger will resolve on it's own.
Youngsters have to be taught how to effectively relieve themselves of the
overwhelming tension and anger they feel.